My Heart Is Not Blind

When I was first diagnosed with Retinitis Pigmentosa (later changed to Usher Syndrome to include my hearing impairment) at the age of twenty-one, I was devastated.

I thought that this was the death sentence for all of my dreams and career aspirations.

I mean, who would in their right mind hire a deaf-blind?

I’d spend the next few decades believing this lie.

And wallowed in self-pity, depression, and anxiety as well as (self) sabotaged any opportunities that came my way.

Somehow, in my mind, I believed I was undeserving of anything good or successful. 

I could blame (and for a long time, I did) this on my parents. Especially my mom – who verbally and emotionally badgered and belittled my brother and I to the point of feeling completely worthless.

It wasn’t until in my adulthood when I learned that she was sexually abused as a child by her own father, and with my Dad not being there to help her with much of anything (for a time), the stress and pain and PTSD got the better of her and unfortunately we were on the receiving end of it.

Even in knowing the reasons behind her action, the scars remained; and when I received the diagnosis, I chose to hold on to this as a way of punishing myself (and at times, those I loved most).

Why is it easier to believe in the lies rather than the truth?

Is it possible for one’s heart to be as blind as the eyes?

It is easier to harden our hearts when time gets tough, and people are not very kind to us.

It’s easier to despair in lost dreams than to believe in the possibility of new ones.

This was me.

In essence, I was not only angry at my parents, but I was also angry with God.

I was angry at Him for allowing all these terrible things to happen to me, and for the dreams I would never achieve.

My heart was blind. It did not want to see that God was still working in my life. It did not want to believe that He had plans to use everything in my life for a greater good.

When I “retired” at the age of 44 (due to the progressive nature of Usher), I felt that my life was over – that I no longer had anything to offer to others.

How incredibly narrow-sighted I was.

No, I was blind to everything around me and not just with my eyes.

Not only that – my focus had been solely on me, and on all the negative things in my life.

Yeah, I was someone’s wife, someone’s mother. Yeah, I could write a little and even had a few things published.

So, what?

When we moved to North Dakota (shortly after I “retired”), my son and I attended a local church one Sunday.

I hadn’t been to church in years.

There was a visiting Pastor on this particular Sunday who preached about the Parable of the Talents:

Matthew 25: 14-30 –

“For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master’s money. ..”

The Pastor said that each believer is given gifts and talents that are to be used for His glory – not for our own. And not only that – our talents are not to be wasted or unused.

The part that stuck to me the most was when she said that in the end, we will have to give an account on how we lived our lives and how we used the abilities God had endowed upon us.

Colossians 3:23,24 –

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”

I Peter 4:10 –

“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace..”

As her words and these verses steeped deeply in my mind, my heart began to see that God wasn’t doing all these things to hurt me, nor to destroy my dreams.

God allowed everything that ever happened to me so that I can use them to tell the story of His work in my life and of His perfect grace.

And according to this passage – God makes no mistakes!

Ephesian 2:10 –

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

It was as if a black veil fell from my eyes, and my heart suddenly felt light – freed from the burden I needlessly placed on it.

It wasn’t long before I viewed all the circumstances and events of my life as the many possible ways to tell the story of how God saved me, and of the hope of a glorious future beyond this physical world – a world where there are no more pain, tears, or disability.

Hope.

It’s the kind of hope that this world needs from us – now more than ever.

Matthew 5:14-16 –

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”